


On the Nature of Starlight

by Starain (Valgus)



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Drama, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Romance, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-08 00:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15918885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valgus/pseuds/Starain
Summary: “It’s lovely to sink into story that is not our own, is it not? Stories we find in the books we read and video games we play. … I don't think I'd call it love, though,” she said.“Why not?” the question just jumped out of Sebastian’s mouth.“I suppose it’s just infatuation. ‘Crush’. It’s something that simply distracts us from our own suffering.”He gazed at her, the new farmer who was once so far, but now so close, and thinking,Where have you been my whole life?The arrival of new farmer became the talk of Pelican Town that Sebastian thought he would never have interest of—not until they tame each other, rediscover how to love and understand themselves, and, slowly, eventually, yet fatefully, each other.





	1. Arrival of the Lights

**Author's Note:**

> The quote from the summary is taken from Chapter 3.

_“I will love the light_

_for it shows me the way,_

_yet I will endure the darkness_

_for it shows me the stars.”_

― Og Mandino

* * *

 

The first time Sebastian was aware of her, the new farmer who moved about a couple of month or so into town, was on the night of Dance of the Moonlight Jellies.

He was at the end of the pier, far from other villagers, with two people he tolerated the most; his ‘best friends’, Sam and Abigail. Being around a lot of people, despite the citizen of Pelican Town being not more than fifty people, made Sebastian kept moving his weight from one foot to another. He could hear all the little chatter. It made him hoping that the sound of the crashing waves was louder, so he all other noises made by human around him would disappear.

Then, Mayor Lewis started the festival.

All the lights died and the jellyfish, floating and glowing, made their way towards the pier. Sebastian watched in silence. He could hear the quiet _oooh_ and _aaah_ some people made, including the usually loud Sam, who thankfully had managed to lower his voice for the occasion. Abigail responded to something that Sam said, chuckling lowly. At that point, Sebastian was content enough with where he was, with his surroundings, and simply gazed at the jellyfishes.

Then, a rare green jellyfish appeared and everyone made more noises. Some huddled closer towards the rare animal, while Sebastian stood still.

He wasn’t the only who stood still, though. Who else didn’t move? Everyone was surely excited by the coming of the rare green jellyfish. He looked at a figure on across the other pier through the corner of his eyes. It was the newcomer, hence the reason her figure being unfamiliar to him. She had her hair down and the sea breeze blew it like curtain around her dimly lit face. Perhaps it was the distance between them, or even the darkness, but Sebastian felt like the new farmer was a bit too small for doing all that farming job. 

She looked even smaller as she stood alone, while everyone else was gathering slowly towards the rare green jellyfish. Some glow from the jellyfishes lit her face up slightly further. Her cheeks were glowing, damp with tears. As everyone made audible comments about the exotic jellyfish, Sebastian was almost sure that he was the only one who heard her small noise; somewhere between a chuckle and a stifled sob.

(He knew the sight too well, albeit he never really saw himself crying. Sebastian was a grown man. Grown men don’t cry. But he was there, on her shoes, way too much before that night; standing alone, with everyone’s back toward him, crying, and no one seeing—no one noticing.)

She caught him staring—or, at least he thought she did. It was dark.

The jellyfish left. Everyone slowly did as well. The new farmer girl—Sebastian just realised he didn’t know her name or whether they had met before—had already disappeared, as if she left at the same time as the jellyfish did, floating slowly into the great unknown.

Sebastian left before his mother, Demetrius, and Maru did. He walked faster than everyone on his household, his long legs helping despite his lack of movement during his daily activity, and slipped almost soundlessly back into his room on the basement.

(People assumed that he was this one-dimensional, brooding man who was anti-social, strange, and unpleasant to almost everyone character. He didn’t really live around Pelican Town, anyway. He spent more of his time away in his fantasy and sci-fi getaways, through screens, drawings, and sentences. He knew a good story when he read one, as much as he knew an interesting character when he met one. He had learned that the most interesting characters were the one who were more than they seem, who was not one-dimensional like people thought Sebastian was.

Some of these characters followed him to his head, filling his thoughts as he laid down and gazing into his ceilings before he fell asleep.)

Tonight, the character and the visual that filled his head weren’t fictional at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is adapted from Max Richter's composition, called "On the Nature of Daylight" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVN1B-tUpgs). The first comment on the said video pretty much summed it up for me: "This song feels like you're struggling around in the darkness, trying to find light, or at the very least, someone to share the darkness with." Watch its official video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InyT9Gyoz_o


	2. Encounter and Encompass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was their second clear encounter Sebastian remembered; the one that left him rattled despite not even knowing her name just yet.

Sebastian woke up to damp smell of basement and cool temperature of autumn’s first day. He reached his phone (eleven in the afternoon, the screen read) and simply lie there, listening to the distant sounds of life from above the ground.

He tried to catch the sound of his stepfather and half-sister working on their blindingly white room. If they were still around, Sebastian usually avoided going out of his room for kitchen as long as he could. There was almost no sound. Relieved by the idea of not meeting anyone but perhaps his mother, he left his bed, combing his hair absentmindedly with his fingers, while Sebastian thought about what he could have for rather late breakfast. 

The house was quiet, as if autumn had seeped in from the opened window. He couldn’t even hear Robin’s movement. Was it the day when even his mother went out as well? He glanced towards the carpentry shop area, only to found the new farmer girl bent against the table, writing.

Her hair once again fell around her face like curtain, hiding her facial expression from Sebastian’s sight. Under the sunlight from the carpentry’s window, her hair colour seemed to be a lot lighter in colour than it was last night, at the pier.

Was it really only last night? 

The sight of lightly illuminated sea was no more than a distant memory for Sebastian, whose attention was mostly spent on the sight of that silent cry. She left so early. Did she continue to cry, still alone, afterwards? Did she end up crying all night? Sebastian raised his hand, fingers twitching for he would love to open that curtain of hair, to see her face— 

He froze.

He was only about five minutes from waking up, with messy hair and clothes.

He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be seen—he didn’t know why he cared so much about being seen fresh from bed. Sebastian was already starting his effort to continue his journey to the kitchen soundlessly when she raised her head, saying, “Robin, I’ve signed the document and payment.” Her voice was heavier, lower than her small built suggested, though it still had some sort of soft and warm quality to it. She turned her head towards where she probably thought she’d find Robin, only to see her son instead, wide-eyed in black T-shirt and sweatpants.

Putting aside her slightly surprised reaction to see Sebastian, her face was in healthy colour and her eyes weren’t red. Her features were so clear under the bright noon light that Sebastian almost wondered whether he was just imagining the tear-streaked face last night, for it was so dark. He blinked, as if by doing so he could see the trace of last night’s clear display of sadness on her. But she was still slightly gaping her mouth at him and looking exactly the same: sunburned skin from farming and looking a bit too tiny to handle farm so big.

“Oh, do excuse me,” she said, after what felt like forever for him, as she threw a small smile towards Sebastian. “Robin said I should’ve just sign this and leave it here while she’s preparing to go to Pierre’s.”

Sebastian could only stare as he made a little nod. Not even the tiniest sound escaped his mouth.

She checked the signed papers on the table, looking down as she did. Her curtain of hair fell around her face once again, hiding her expression from Sebastian’s sight. She lifted her head again, this time with a, “I’ll be off, then.” Followed by a little dip of head for farewell gesture, she headed towards the front door.

Sebastian found himself following her slightly, crossing the door between the corridor and the carpentry shop, just in time to watch her left with a huge backpack full of what seemed to be combination of logs and radishes. She grunted as she lifted the heavy backpack upon her shoulder, limping for a step, before leaving after a take of deep breath.

Just like that, she left. 

Sebastian watched his house’s front door closed. The sight made his skin crawled as much as the view of hair around the new farmer’s face. He raised his hand once again, in an act to open the door, which he did without really any plan on what to do next.

All he knew was he simply wanted another look at the woman whose name he didn’t know—but he definitely would like to.


	3. How Light Gets In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The leap on their relationship upon their fourth encounter surpasses anything Sebastian could ever expected from another human being.

_Forget your perfect offering._  
_There is a crack, a crack, in everything._  
_That’s how the light gets in._

— Leonard Cohen,  _Anthem_ (1992)

* * *

 

Their third encounter came after three days. Sebastian was outside, doing his usual smoking by the lake routine, as he waited for the sky to grow darker. He heard rustles on the distance. It wasn’t rabbit or squirrel, but the white-haired man who lived by the tent not far from his house, Linus. Linus sat with fishing pole and a small basket full of berries. Sitting next to him was the new farmer, who also had her fishing pole.

There were quite some distance between Sebastian and them. Nevertheless, he could still see how they were fishing as they occasionally eat the berry between them. None of them were talking. They simply fished in silence, until sunset truly ended, when she left after saying something to Linus, who left not long after her.

Sebastian stayed smoking longer than usual.

He had seen everything that was there to see; the trees, the lake, the dirt, the cave in the distance. There was nothing else new to take in, yet he took another cigarette and lit it, watching dark sky with no moon until midnight arrived.

* * *

Their forth crossing was the longest.

Robin sent him a text message, asking for his help to deliver blueprint for the old farm’s barn. It was the very text that let Sebastian knew her name; Hope.

He watched his phone screen for a while, processing why it took him longer to register that there was only one person whose name he didn’t know yet from the entire Pelican Town. As he grabbed mentioned blueprint and walked through shortcut towards the old farm, he let the taste of her name floated through his mind. Hope. ‘There’s still hope,’ they liked to say. There was Hope. There was a person literally named Hope. Sebastian was not quite sure what to do with the fact.

Walking over the tunnel upon road towards Calico Desert, Sebastian suddenly realised that there might be a chance he was going to see Hope herself. Everything came in flood. He didn’t had enough time to process her name just yet and now they might meet.

Or they might not, Sebastian reminded himself. She might be in town, buying seeds or whatever farmer needed, or perhaps she wasn’t in Pelican Town at all. He remembered little facts like how she moved from the city, the one he always felt as out of reach.

The old farm still had plenty of trees, wild grass, and rocks on most of its yard. The farmhouse, along with the barn and coop, stood on his left. Sebastian immediately noticed a clear area where the new farmer girl— _Hope_ , he reminded himself once again—had plowed, planted, and watered the new seed for autumn. There was an eerie silence, broken only by sound from the barn. Sebastian walked there, through a door made not quite for human but for the animal, ready to give his mother her needed blueprint.

Instead of her redheaded mother, he found Hope instead, her hair once again dark in the dimly lit barn with its windows covered with wooden planks. She was reaching for something under what look like a remain of wooden rack and gasped audibly when he heard him walking in. Sebastian looked at her wide-eyed expression, with the intensity of it surpassing the surprised face she made when she looked at him back at his home.

He simply stared back, as the back of his mind asked the question on whether this would always be the kind of circumstance which they meet.

She rose slowly from her crouching position, holding some large, darkened nails. The front part of her jeans overall was dirty with dust from the barn’s dirty floor. Her hair still form curtain around her face, obscuring some part of her face. Sebastian had briefly thought about how this newcomer liked to hide her face, before realising he was doing the same with his own long fringe.

“… Yes?” she said, her voice slightly out of breath.

It wasn’t instant until Sebastian replied, “I’m supposed to deliver blueprint for my mother.” He quickly added “Robin, I mean”, just in case she hadn’t connect the fact that Sebastian was Robin’s son.

She didn’t reply immediately either. With the help of faint light from the windows and rolling door, he could see her looking up at his face, then to the roll of blueprint on his hand, then on his face again. She blinked, still gazing at him. He felt strangely exposed, like she was staring right into who he really was, while Sebastian himself wasn’t sure whether he had met and liked who he really was.

“She left for arranging roof delivery,” she informed him, finally taking her eyes off him. “She said she’d be back in the evening for checking all the supplies before the restoration begin.” Another silence followed. “I suppose you can leave the blueprints with me. I live just next door.”

Sebastian blinked. His voice was raspier than he liked when he said, “I know. I’ve lived in this town my whole life.”

She stared at him again. “Oh. Of course. I’m sorry.”

Sebastian stared back, his mind busy with thought such as what sort of housing she had back in the city and whether she had to explain everything to everyone, both here and back then there. He knew the next step would be handing her the blueprint then walk away through that halfway opened screen door. But he stood still, taking in the sight of her dirty white shirt behind her overall and how her hands were dirty and had four fingers covered in bandaid. By the time she rose her eyebrows, he realised that he didn’t want to leave just yet.

Universe seemed to comply with the wish he hadn’t quite understand, for the next second, the barn’s rolling door slammed closed, enveloping both of them in semi-darkness.

She—Hope—made another gasped upon the sight. Quickly stuffing the nails into her pocket, she ran passed him with surprising explosive speed, then tried to pry the door open. Upon hearing her grunt, Sebastian hurried to her side, attempting the same thing. The door didn’t budge. After another minute of trying and grunting together, she took her hands off.

“Leave it,” she said, panting, sounded exhausted. After a beat, she spoke again, “Well, at least we know that Robin will come in a couple of hours.”

Sebastian made one last attempt to pry the door open, before exhaled and gave up. He looked at his arms, scrawny from all that computer work. Perhaps, if Alex were here, he could pry this door open quite easily. … Not that he wanted Alex to be here, just with him or only with Hope. He was never sure what sort of tone he must carry while trying to hold conversation with the other bachelor.

When he went out of his train of thought about Alex Mullner, he found Hope already sitting against the barn’s wall, her expression was once again hidden behind rows of hair and the dimness of the room.

Now, they wait.

The realisation of such situation hit him in a way that made his pulse sped up and his brain short-circuited. For years, he was very much used to navigating his way among the Pelican Town’s people. Now, this new person appeared and Sebastian couldn’t read her just yet. Maybe not now, but perhaps not ever either. He wasn’t ready. It was possible he was never ready.

Still, he sat there, a bit further than an arm reach from the woman who sat in silent with her face hidden. Sebastian took another glance at her, using the corner of his eyes as he did. He couldn’t tell her age. Maybe they were both around the same age. The silence continued and the sound of the valley filled the slightly chilly early-autumn air instead; the rustles of trees, the chirp of birds ready for migrating to warmer southern area, and the occasional creaks of old woods of the barn.

Sebastian wished he wasn’t there with an urge to know more yet unable to do anything about it. At the same time, he wanted to stay still, to be at least able to see her.

The image of her crying face flashed through his mind once again, like lightning before thunder on his favourite weather. The image kept coming back. There was something about other people’s crying face in anguish, when they were so raw—and she probably thought no one was looking, so she was fully herself back then. Sebastian racked his brain. Despite being anti-social, he knew as far as ice breaking before initiating deeper, more complex conversation. He couldn’t just say, ‘Hey, I think I see you crying at the last night of summer’, could he?

“What’s your name?” she asked.

Sebastian could feel himself jolt as he heard her speaking. She sounded clearer in the setting; closer, warmer, and somehow far more threatening. He blinked a couple of times, his brain once again felt like it was extra sluggish under the pressure of all these thoughts, before releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Of course. She didn’t even know his name yet. They hadn’t even officially met before. This was their fourth encounter—third, if he counted the one when she didn’t see him fishing with Linus—and Sebastian wondered why he numbered these meetings.

“… Sebastian,” he answered, rather abruptly, his name came tumbling out of his mouth in a way that he felt was so unlike him.

She was staring at him, her gaze pierced him like cold winter wind.

“Hello, Sebastian. I’m Hope.”

For a beat, Sebastian thought of a scene in Solarion Chronicles game where his character met an entity of some sort of goddess. Goddess of hope, perhaps. But that was game and fictional and unreal. A goddess would never had any real business with a mortal like him. There would never be a possibility for deeper connection; an understanding. But Hope wasn’t goddess and she was real as he was, as complex and as human.

“… Hi,” Sebastian’s reply was just a bit more than whisper.

They didn’t need to talk so loud in this quiet environment. That knowledge eased some tension on his body. He was thinking about how to keep the conversation flowing when she, quite suddenly, asked, “Did you catch me crying on the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies?” She sounded perfectly calm and Sebastian couldn’t trace anything on her voice. Was it her city accent? He couldn’t make anything out out of this newcomer.

He decided to nod, not game enough to say anything.

“Oh,” she said in reply, half of her face obscured by her hair once again, despite her turning her head towards him. “Well,” she added, after several beats, and left it at that. There was no explanation nor excuses. There was nothing.

So Sebastian was the one who continued the conversation with a, “Why did you move here from Zuzu City? Why this place, of all place in the entire country?”

She didn’t reply to him immediately. He wondered whether she was thinking or she was simply not very good at social situation, just like him.

“My grandfather used to own this farm. He left it for me.”

It was Sebastian’s turn to say, “Oh.” He actually had a vague memory of an old man who used to live here. It was years ago. Everything was now blur of kind-looking old man who watered his crops as he hummed _La Vie en Rose_. Sebastian never really thought that the same old man had family in the city and that now his granddaughter had claimed his inheritance. 

But that still didn’t answer why she left the city for this particular countryside. Sebastian had learned that people in tiny Pelican Town either lived here because they loved to or because they had no other choice. He was the later. He wondered what was the case with Hope.

She shuffled on her seat. Perhaps, she could feel him wondering and was uncomfortable with that.

“You always wear dark clothing,” she said, steering the conversation towards another direction.

Sebastian shuffled as well. “Yes,” he was unsure on what to say, again and again. Hope was like an uncharted sea and he didn’t know what to expect on this wild water.

“I remember you because of that,” she spoke to him, soft and slow. “I saw you.”

The sentences almost brought tears to Sebastian’s eyes for reasons he slowly tried to understand. He blinked his eyes, for they suddenly felt warm and stinging. As another silence followed, he remembered that for years, he was pretty much being ignored or left alone, both by choice and not. Her mother was always somewhere else with work and her new husband. He never knew what to do with his new step-father and half-sister. He had friends, of course, but it wasn’t like they hang out every day and hold any deep conversation. They shared hobbies and that was about it when Sebastian thought about it. He still spent so much more times alone, by the lake or the ocean when it rained.

He didn’t know whether his family and friends _saw_ him. Maybe they did, but he never knew. But to hear that someone saw him, that he wasn’t forgotten and was actually part of someone’s experience, was much more heartwarming than he expected.

It was still dark inside that run down barn. It was still dark inside him. Nevertheless, he saw the sunlight filtered through the gaps between wooden planks on the windows. He saw little particles of dust glittering and dancing under the ray. They danced ever so slowly. Something inside him moved by such sight. The barn was such a beautiful ruin.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, letting his heart loose and saying whatever it wanted.

Through the dimness, he saw her smiled, along with a whisper of, “… You’re welcome?” She didn’t sound too sure on why he thanked him, but she didn’t press further. He watched her smile. It was warm and different with the smile she gave him when they accidentally met by the carpentry.

There was another silence followed. Sebastian still felt his heart thumping and discomfort bugging like before, but he was also very content at the same time. He could watch the tiny dusts dancing in the sunlight forever, he believed. The sun lowered as they day went by and some of the light now touched her hair.

It was nice to share silence, he thought.

Sebastian heard a flopping sound and turned around to see Hope was lying sideways on the dirty barn floor, her hair spread around her head like a blooming flower. Now, he felt better in speaking to her. She saw him. She continued to look at him even now. He remembered all the look she gave him when she really looked at him and let the memory washed over him in a strange, tingling warmth.

“What are you doing?” he asked. Who simply plopped down like that in dirty barn floor? Unless you were Vincent and Jas.

“I’m tired,” she said, her eyes on him.

“Farmwork?”

“Yes and no,” she shrugged lightly and Sebastian somehow understood that answer.

Several beats passed before she spoke again. “Don’t you feel tired?” she asked.

Sebastian swallowed. In his life, he was a grown up who still lived in his parents’ basement, with two new family members he was never sure how to get along with. Was he tired? Hope asked. He made noises before saying, “Well,” copying her. She made an amused yet weak smile.

She simply lied there, sideways, her body open and vulnerable. Just as she cried so openly that night as the summer ended, she appeared to be so defenceless all the time. It was as if she wore her heart at her sleeve. It was baffling and scary for Sebastian, who was so used to hiding himself and revealing as little as possible to others

“You asked why I moved here, right?” she wasn’t looking at him now. “There was uni.” Sebastian thought as much. Townspeople and their expensive, higher education. “Then, there was work.” He continued to listen. “Then, there was… nothing.”

He didn’t say anything. He simply looked at her and listened. The forest was so quiet at this point he could hear her slow, even breathing.

“It sounds so cliche, but I felt so empty. I was counting days until I can’t stand it anymore. Then, I was fired for not coming to work. Then, I found Grandpa’s letter. Then, I found this town. Then, I tried my best and seasons passed and the Moonlight Jellyfishes reminded me on city lights, floating in the dark distance, and I remembered feeling so lonely, so small, and, at the same time, so relieved because I live in no one’s memory. Things will come and go like those jellyfishes and I might not be here anymore when they return this year and no one will care and that’s… that’s fine. That made me happy, somehow, to realise that I’m not magnificent.

“I’m free. I’m free to do what as I please with my life. When I decided that my life was mine, I set myself free.

“Nothing really changed after that, but I feel like I finally got a good glimpse at who I really am and… I don’t really dislike her. She’s… okay.”

She spoke a lot, her voice trembled at some points, and Sebastian wondered how could a person opened so much without feeling afraid. He stared at her, her eyes hidden behind her hair. In a way, it felt like he trusted her. Well, she _saw_ him, he thought. She saw him and decided that he was okay. She saw him and he saw her crying and they could share stillness afterwards. They saw each other and she still told him these very personal things.

“So…” Sebastian muttered, racking his brain for words, in order to continue the very moment they shared. “You’re simply… resting in Pelican Town? Taking a little break because you’re tired?” he pouted as he asked. Did this mean that one day, when she was whole once again, she’d leave?

She was still on the floor, probably covered by more soot now, but she looked at him this time, “Instead of just tired, well... don’t you feel like you have this gaping hole inside of you? Realising that emptiness, you try to fill it with things that make you happy; habits, hobbies, stories…”

Sebastian wondered whether she knew that he fancied and spent hundred of his hours with graphic novel and video game. Maybe, she didn’t have to see to know.

“It’s lovely to sink into story that is no tour own, is it not? Stories we find in the books we read and video games we play…” her voice drifted away and he thought she was falling asleep. But she shook her head a little and made a small shrug, “… I don’t think I’d call it ‘love’, though.”

“Why not?” the question leaped out of Sebastian’s mouth even before he realised it.

“I suppose, it’s just infatuation,” he could see her faintly smiling as she spoke. “‘Crush’. It’s something that simply distracts us from our own suffering.” She stopped there and Sebastian simply gazed at her lying there. She was so far away once; a newcomer from faraway city and another human being he didn’t know but saw crying across the pier by the ocean. But, right now, she was so close.

He watched her breathing in silence and wondered how dear she looked; this little woman who went on head first towards wherever her heart brought her and saw things people didn’t see.

Someone who saw him, far before he saw her in return.

_Where have you been my whole life?_

The silence continued. Sebastian basked himself in the new realisation that he was running away from himself for so long, distracting himself with his bits of programming jobs and all of his hobbies. He thought he was happy. He wondered whether he could like him; the person he’d met if he stopped distracting himself with crushes and infatuations. Hope had a glimpse of herself as summer ended and thought she was okay. Perhaps, he could learn a thing or two from her.

He also wanted to see how he looked from her eyes.

He wondered what she understood as she saw and listened to him.

The sound of footsteps upon grass outside was heard, followed by voice calling, “Hope? Are you around? It’s Robin.” Sebastian turned his head towards his mother’s voice. Hope slowly rose from the floor. She looked dirty, even in this bad lighting.

“We’re saved,” she whispered, rather dramatically, and threw Sebastian a smile. She walked past him towards the sliding door to respond to Robin’s calling.

Sebastian still sat there, smiling too, ever so faintly.

 _Hopefully, we are indeed_ saved, _Hope._


	4. Into the Woods

“Are you okay, Sebastian?”

“I was just sitting in the barn with Hope, Mum.”

Sebastian looked at his pouting mother and wondered whether she still saw him as a child in need of protection sometimes. It was one of the moment where he realised that his mother was indeed there all along, since he was born until now. Perhaps, when one became a parent, they started to see all the times when their child grow up at once; one saw all the passing time in a single moment. Pushing his hands into his dark jeans’ pockets, Sebastian thought about how he never think on possibility on being a parent himself.

Oh, Hope was once a child too, just like him, just like everyone else. She had parents, surely, because everyone does. Where were they? Were she in touch with them? What kind of parents created and grew a person like her? Did they love her?

“Sebby?”

“Mm?” he lowered his gaze towards his now shorter mother. He could see her creased forehead even in the sunset light.

She opened her mouth, closing it, before opening it again, “I’m sorry I made you go out to deliver blueprint and got you stuck in that barn.”

Sebastian shook his head and smiled at her, “It’s okay, Mum.” He didn't smile a lot in general, but he smiled a lot to his mother. "It really is."

If anything, he’d like to thank his mother for letting him had that fourth and longest meeting with Hope.

"Thank you, Sebby," she smiled back at him.

He started to let his thought wander after they walked in silence once again.

 _Aren’t you tired?_ she asked, looking at him. He was so very tired—so much in fatigue he didn’t realised it. He turned his head towards the direction of the farm. She had her fingers hurt. He hoped that he could still do things anyway.

* * *

Their fifth meeting happened several days into Fall’s second week. Sebastian was buying cigarette when he saw Hope walked in, with her huge backpack. She consulted a piece of paper before greeting Pierre and told him about buying more Fall seeds.

Sebastian glanced at them multiple times. He already got his cigarette and ready to pay, but he couldn’t just walk there, greet both Pierre and Hope, like his mother.

“Oh,” said Pierre, when Hope was about to leave his counter. “Thank you for bringing me the daffodils and dandelions you found on the forest, Hope.”

Hope smiled at the store owner. “No worries,” she replied warmly. “I’ll see you soon, Pierre.”

She walked passed the rows of rack where he stood. Sebastian stared so hard at her he wouldn’t surprised if she felt pain. But she kept walking, ignoring him as she passed by two other people in the store, Mayor Lewis and Harvey the town's doctor.

By the glass door, Hope stopped, turned around, and caught Sebastian’s eyes. He gulped, his palms were sweating. Hope titled her head sideways a little and smiled at him, “Good afternoon.”

To which Sebastian replied, “Good afternoon”, his voice raspy from not being used since he woke up.

She left afterwards, but Sebastian went home with her smiling face on his head until he fell asleep later at night. He didn't know that he could wrap someone's smile, brought it home, and enjoyed it long afterwards. Perhaps, it was a first for him.

* * *

 “How’s the barn renovation going, Mum?” Sebastian asked.

He was leaning on the fridge’s door while his mother was cooking spaghetti for dinner. It was two weeks after Sebastian found himself trapped in that old barn with Hope. Beside their exchange at Pierre’s, he only saw her sometimes in town.

Robin did a double take towards his son.

Sebastian shrugged. He never really asked about any project his mother did before.

“The exterior was pretty much done, but we’re still working on the interior. When it rains, Hope can’t get any woods,” Robin answered, flicking her gaze into stormy weather outside the window.

“She cut her own woods?”

Robin nodded. She then took her eyes off Sebastian and towards bubbling pot of boiled pasta. Sebastian was left to wondered whether the bandaid on Hope’s fingers were result of using axe. What sort of job she had back in the city? Surely, it would have nothing to do with cutting your own woods.

“Is she okay?” Sebastian asked out loud, then jolted when her mother did a triple take on him. He didn't realise he was actually voicing his thought out and that Robin was still in the room with him.

She was grinning after she drained the spaghetti, “… What happened between you two on that barn, Sebby?”

“Nothing,” Sebastian glared at his mother, while knowing fully that what happened wasn’t exactly a ‘nothing’. “I was just… she was… why did she have to live on that farm and do all those hard farm works?”

Robin’s grin turned into a gentle smile, “I can’t say I know, Honey. But you’re free to ask her if you wanted to. Hey, you can even help her with collecting woods, you know? That way, you get out more and she finish her barn faster!”

Sebastian just stared at his mother’s smiling face.

The first image that arrived on his mind was him being completely unhelpful with any kind of wood collecting activity, for he was neither strong nor had any in-depth experience on it. But upon remembering those bandaid-wrapped fingers in that dim barn, he shrugged and said, “Okay, Mum. I’ll go ask Hope if she needed any help.”

He left the kitchen, completely unaware to Robin’s mouth hanging open as she stared into her son’s back.


	5. Storm Upon Fall

_“Are the days of winter sunshine just as sad for you, too?_

_When it is misty, in the evenings, and I am out walking by myself,_

_it seems to me that the rain is falling through my heart_

_and causing it to crumble into ruins.”_

― Gustave Flaubert,  _November_ (1842) 

* * *

 

A storm was brewing in Fall’s early morning sky.

Hope watched the dark grey cloud swirling outside her window, as she lied on her bed, eyes half open and heavy with sleep. There was no morning alarm. She reached her mobile phone by the makeshift bedside table, a wooden three-legged chair, and saw that it was five fifty five in the morning. Turning the screen off, she put the device upon her chest and closed her eyes. She breathed slowly.

There was thrumming sound of thunders in the distance.

* * *

Sebastian was already halfway to Hope’s farm when a flash of lightning blinded him momentarily. It was one of those mornings when he had stayed up all night, yet he was strangely full of energy in the morning. Hyperaware with fatigue, he did a little jog as he pulled up his black hoodie, covering his hair from upcoming rain.

By the time he reached the farmhouse, small drops of rain already landed on his face and clothes. He stood by the farmhouse’s porch as rain poured.

Looking up towards the bleak grey sky, Sebastian felt a smile tugged on his lips. He remembered all those slow walks toward raging ocean when it storms. It was his favourite weather, after all. It was the weather when everyone else disappeared. He could almost pretend that humanity had left him, using some sort of spaceship, and he was the only person in the whole entire world.

Sebastian closed his eyes, letting wind-carried rain kissed his face. It was cold and refreshing. He had stayed up all night long, after all.

His stomach growled.

Something smelled good.

Turning his head towards the farmhouse’s door, he could smell pumpkin soup from the inside.

Flushed, Sebastian recalled why he was here in the first place. He left his basement anyway, even when he hadn’t sleep; even when there was almost no chance for Hope to go out for woods when it rains for the entire day. At this point, he was willing to admit that he would probably use any available excuse to see her. The first thought that popped up into his head was that he simply enjoyed being seen by her. _I saw you_ , she said, gazing into his eyes with no prejudice, and Sebastian felt his cheeks grew even warmer.

He slowly turned his body towards the farmhouse’s door.

He couldn’t be standing there by the porch all day, could he? Gulping, he planned on what to say, right when the very door was open in front of him. Hope appeared in an oversized hoodie with hair awry from sleep and looked at him in silence. Sebastian was positive he was blushing again. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he saw a girl when she just woke up.

“Hi,” he greeted weakly, then mentally kicking himself for he was sure his voice was swallowed by the rain.

Her half-sleepy expression didn’t change. “Hello,” she replied, casual, as if they met in Pierre’s, instead of at six thirty in the morning, when he suddenly appeared on her porch as it rained. Even in Sebastian’s head, he was being a big creeper.

He should say about his intention to help her for wood gathering. But he just stood there, internally panicking, letting his head mulled over the fact that maybe he was indeed being creepy. Sebastian nearly forgot how awkward he was in most social situation until now.

Hope continued to look at him for several beats, her expression unchanging, until she eventually said, “Have you had breakfast, Sebastian?”

Sebastian was praying so hard—to Yoba or any other entities that might exist to grant him power—that the porch was dark enough so Hope didn’t see his face. It felt so hot. He didn’t know why hearing her saying his name made him utterly discomposed. It was the first time she did that. He resigned to numbering habit he started to develop when it came to Hope as he nodded silently.

She smiled, “Come in.”

He followed her inside, his stomach warm and the rain cool.

* * *

Sebastian had only took in the interior of the farmhouse for a glance before Hope asked whether he’d like coffee or tea. He answered coffee. She turned, towards the semi-dilapidated large kitchen, to grind the roasted coffee beans in a little iron machine. He watched her, the question probably showed on his eyes, because she looked at him and said, “I don’t actually fancy coffee myself. I love coffee’s scent, though.”

She smiled.

He smiled back.

He would let her have all the aroma of all the coffee he had every morning if she ever wanted to. Sebastian felt himself blushing again. It was this endless, rather tiring cycle of trying to be the kind of person she might see in positive light.

He knew it was silly. He knew as far as that she didn’t really have that much opinion about him and perhaps would just let him simply be him.

But it was scary for him.

It was terrifying because she was new and she seemed to be okay with him and he didn’t find many people who were okay with him; the brooding and dark Sebastian.

Did she really _see_ him? Or did she just see what she thought he was? Was the Hope he had seen so far was he real hope or was she just another person with so many faces and secrets like many other people he knew?

His train of thought stopped at the strong, delicious smell of coffee.

“Oh,” he said, unaware that she already stood before him, peering up at his face, his mug of coffee on her hand. “‘Sorry. Thanks.”

Hope just smiled at him.

She smiled a lot, he noticed. He wished she didn’t smile that often. He didn’t knew what was behind that smile. He couldn’t interpret what’s behind every smile. Life was, Sebastian decided, the most realistic video game of all, the one with no concrete walkthrough nor cheat code he could cling into.

She indeed had a pot of bubbling pumpkin soup in a small, camping-sized stove. Wondering where Hope got all the pumpkins since the fall just started, Sebastian then spotted several empty cans of instant pumpkin soup in the kitchen’s counter, the kind he never saw at Pierre’s nor the Joja Market. Perhaps, they only sell those in Zuzu City.

“Do take a seat,” she said, glancing at him through her left shoulder.

Sebastian looked around to see no place for sit but her rustic iron bed. It had been made and everything was white, from its comforter to pillow case. Heat rose to his face again. Sitting on a woman’s bed was not the sort of thing he expected to happen this morning.

“Excuse me,” he said as he sat, hoping he didn’t sound too much like he was choked.

She did another smile for him and, momentarily, everything in his world was illuminated and alright.

* * *

Everyone in Pelican Town was so particular, so different from loud, distracted, and phone-bound people Hope knew from her past life in Zuzu City.

She didn’t necessarily disliked people she knew back then, as much as she didn’t exactly feel ecstatic to be among Pelican Town’s people. People are always just people, she took note out of life, one day, in some sort of surrender. There was nice people. There was not so very nice people. Robin, Mayor Lewis, and Harvey, for example, were open and helpful. George, Shane, and Sebastian, for example, constantly gave her cold shoulder.

Except that now Sebastian was sitting on her bed, shy and fidgety.

She decided that since Sebastian visibly tried so hard to stay composed, she would not point out how often he blushed in the span of fifteen minutes they spent together. He was so fair it was easy to see new colour on his face. Hope thought it was adorable; this taller, bigger man who somehow looked confused and perhaps unnerved by her existence. Maybe he just didn’t have that much experience with people from Zuzu City or any new people in general, unlike her, who had to socialise in city full of people and Joja office full of co-workers.

Stirring the pot full of instant pumpkin soup, Hope marvelled at the convenience of modern life.

She thought that once she lived in this countryside, she would no longer have access to every instant thing she used to have in Zuzu City. But her mother had sent her with tons of canned food, from savoury baked beans to canned mangoes, and Hope had to tell herself that while it was okay to indulge herself with instant gratification, she’d try to cook more wholesome food in the future.

Speaking about food, Sebastian would be the first person she shared her meal with in the comfort of her new home. She probably should cook something with more effort to show him some sort of appreciation. But maybe not this morning. She was hungry. She knew he was hungry as well.

Hopefully, there would be next time.

She fished two ceramic bowls with handle, shaped like a teacup but with the cup at the size of small bowl, from one if the boxes of kitchenware. Hope then poured the instant pumpkin soup into one of it. Stopping when she realised she had no idea how much Sebastian would like to eat, she turned her head around once again just to find him asleep on her bed. The rain had worked like white noise, drowning every sound, including the usual creaks of her old farm bed.

Hope walked towards him. Sebastian had took his hoodie down upon entering the farmhouse. He slept sideways, arms crossing in front of his chest, his clothes damp from the rain. He was even paler up close and there were bags under his closed eyes.

She moved ever so slowly to cover him in her blanket, before leaving the curling, sleeping man in peace.

She had a whole, two-storied farmhouse to clean today.


	6. Of the Two Hearts

_“Yes, I am a dreamer._

_For dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,_

_and his punishment is that he sees the dawn_

_before the rest of the world.”_

— Oscar Wilde, _The Critic as Artist_ (1890)

* * *

Sebastian woke up in comfort.

Even before he opened his eyelids, he knew he didn’t sleep in his own bed, because the basement wasn’t this bright. He rose from lying position, blushing upon seeing that he fell asleep on Hope’s bed. The bed faintly smelled like her. Was that why he felt so comfortable?

Shaking his head in embarrassment, Sebastian then took a deep breath to calm himself down. The farmhouse mostly smelled like wood and earth. Sunlight filtered through lightly curtained windows and he felt at peace. There was no clock in that house. If Sebastian dismissed the existence of the phone inside his jeans’ pocket, he could pretend that time didn’t exist; that it was just him and the old farmhouse.

… And maybe Hope.

Where was she?

The wooden floor made tiny creaking sound as he stepped his feet down from the bed. The farmhouse was old, he was suddenly remember. It was old and strong and there was something comforting about it.

He found Hope on the upper floor’s children bedroom, napping in a bed that would be too small for him. She woke up soundlessly, possibly from feeling that someone else entered the room. Sebastian watched her waking up, disappointed that he couldn’t see her sleeping face longer, yet glad to have her awake and recognising his existence.

Hope stared at him, her expression sleepy.

“Do you still fancy a bowl of pumpkin soup?” she asked. How beautiful that was that the first thing she asked was concerning him. He had thought that she would care too much about how messy she looked when she just woke up, but he supposed she was already past that with him. He saw her cried. They talked about the difference between love and infatuation.

Sebastian nodded to her pumpkin soup's offer, smiling.

The rest of the day was uneventful. He ate the pumpkin soup and the instant, manufactured taste reminded him faintly of Joja Cola Sam liked so much. Afterwards, he walked home through the same shortcut, with hands on his jeans’ pocket and a ghost of smile on his face.

* * *

Since Robin mentioned that Hope was welcome to her house without any business mean, she took up her offer and walked there one day after she finished her farm work. She had just finished chatting up with Robin when Sebastian appeared. Hope saw her through the same door where she caught him just waking up, days ago.

Robin departed with a smile towards them.

Sebastian rubbed the back of his neck and asked, “Hi, Hope. Do you want to hang out in my room?”

“Oh,” she felt her cheeks warmed up. “Sure.”

Back in town, she was often dragged to hundreds of bedrooms, when there was party or just for another hangout. She supposed Zuzu City people were pretty comfortable with having their home and room open to pretty much strangers. She pondered whether thing was the same in Pelican Town—whether the fact that now she could lounge in Sebastian’s bedroom mean something or nothing.

Hope looked at Sebastian’s tall back as they ascended the stairs, towards his bedroom.

Upon seeing his figure enveloped in dark hoodie, she smiled, deciding that it was indeed something special. He wrapped himself in dark clothes and hid on his basement most of the time. Now that he let her had a taste of his darkness, she regarded that it was a gift; to be allowed to enter his space.

* * *

After telling Hope that he’d be working a bit, Sebastian let her sit by the other chair, not far from the one he sat on. He loved seeing how the things around her react to her existence; the way the stool creaked a bit when she sat on it, the shadow her figure casted on his wooden bedroom floor, and how the stale smell of his basement was interfered with her waft of scent.

When Sebastian checked all the to-do list on his job for the day, he found that he had finished everything. He worked quicker with someone else's around, but only if that someone wasn't the loud Sam, Abigail who pretty much talked games with him, or his nagging mother. That left only Hope as someone who could improve his productivity. He flushed at the thought. He left it, not knowing what to do with it just yet.

"Hey, Hope?"

"Yes?' she took her eyes from one of his many posters on the wall.

"I'm pretty much done for the day," Sebastian said with a small smile.

There was a  _ding_ from his computer and he checked his instant messaging program. "Sam wants to hang out," he reported to Hope's questioning face. "I don't really feel like going out, though," he carefully tried not looking too much into her face when he said so.

Sebastian was already opening his mouth for some sort of what-should-we-do-next, but then his mother entered his room.

"Hello, Hope," she threw smile to both of them. "Sebby, I just want to tell you that Abigail was looking for you. She said she'd be stopping by later."

Cringing as Robin called him 'Sebby' in front of Hope, he looked at his mother and asked, rather tiringly, "Did you tell her that I'm working today?"

He was done, but his mother didn't know that. He was indeed done with his work, but now he needed break and, maybe, just maybe, some more time with Hope, whom Sebastian knew wouldn't mind sitting with him for hours in silence. He needed his dose of silence for the day. Why things about him and his situation were so hard to explain? Why didn't anyone understand?

"I did tell her," said Robin. "But Abigail said she'd stop by, anyway. I just thought I'd let you know, Darling."

She left after smiling to Hope.

Sebastian sighed, rubbing his temple and slumped on his chair.

“No one takes my job seriously,” he grumbled, more to himself, although he knew Hope was able to hear him. He pulled his head up to see her.

She was looking at him, her expression neutral.

Sebastian blushed again.

There was something almost sacred in the way she looked at things—that included the way she gazed at him. There was no judgment, just a simple _I see you_. It was something so constant in their relationship, even far before Sebastian realised that the newcomer from Zuzu City had seen him and actually had memory of him.

Hope looked down, squinting her eyebrows, with an expression as if she shared his pain. “It must be tough," she muttered, her eyes on Sebastian.

And the only thing he could think about was _Not so much now that you’re here; not that tough when there’s at least one person who understand._

He let his it’s-enough-that-you-understand smile tugged the corners of his lips up. Smiling at Hope, his smile grew wider as she smiled back.

Clearing his throat, Sebastian placed both of his hands upon the keyboard once again. He was ready to continue his work. Glancing at her sitting figure, he murmured, “You’re really good at this, Hope.”

She blinked, “At what…?”

Sebastian gestured to the space between them vaguely.

Hope beamed at him, looking flattered.

He felt his breath hitched at simple thought that she understood him so well, so easily, so simply, while this whole small town had made him felt like no other human being would every understand him—not even Sam and Abigail—for his entire life.

“Well,” she rocked on her seat, blushing slightly, “I suppose, like in a book I read once, ‘understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift you can give another person.’”

She often used a lot of strange term like ‘suffering’, but Sebastian didn’t mind. He knew he was suffering, after all. He supposed, everyone did; the differences then lies on what sort of suffering and how well they hide it.

“Well,” Sebastian said, unconsciously mirroring her and slowly adapting her manner of speech, “Thank you for understanding my suffering.”

She laughed, her face crinkled in smile and happiness, “You’re very welcome, Sebastian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Bibliography**  
>  Nhất Hạnh, ThiÌch (Nhat Hanh, Thich), 2015, "How to Love", Berkeley, California: Parallax Press.


	7. Of the Four Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I always thought that once I’ve saved up enough money, I’m going to head out on my own… to the city and beyond. Just me and my bike…” he watched Hope’s face again. He believed he saw a sadness flashed there. Sebastian felt like he could understand that small, almost unrecognisable flash of expression. An unspoken _Don’t leave me. I just found you._

Sebastian lost count on how much time they met upon their next meeting, for it was the first time they touched.

It was mid autumn when he walked to the library, stressed with his programming work and remembered that he must go out for his health. Sebastian could find anything online, but he entered, anyway. He walked towards a certain book that he read ages ago as a kid but had no interest in re-read until now. Feeling his cheeks warmed up, he took several deep breaths to calmed his racing heart as he walked silently towards the aforementioned book. Gunther, the librarian, simply nodded at him upon his entrance. Sebastian made beeline towards a certain shelf, reached his hand up towards the book, before something collided sideways and slammed him to the ground.

“Oh!” a feminine voice gasped.

Sebastian looked up to an image he was sure he was already saw once in a particularly indecent dream: Hope was sitting on his legs, her hair covered some parts of her face. Her face was red and she seemed rather unusual with dress shirt and jeans, for Sebastian had only saw her in casual, possibly farming-comfortable clothes, like overalls and T-shirts. She was heavier than Sebastian expected—of course, she was human with flesh and bone—and she was also warmer than he ever anticipated.

 _God_. When was the last time anyone touched him, anyway?

He could feel himself flushing too. Panic was building inside of him as his heart rate skyrocketed. At the same time, he couldn’t take his eyes off how her pants squished against his black jeans. And then there was her warmth. Sebastian almost always enjoyed cold better, but there was something so enticing about Hope’s warmth, his fingers twitching to reach for more, grab more…

“Is everything okay?” Penny sticked her head out from the other side of the shelf, followed by Vincent and Jas.

The two shuffled immediately from their rather scandalous entanglement. Sebastian took his time explaining, but Hope was already bowing. “I’m sorry,” she squeaked. “I want to take this book that was located much higher than I anticipated. I figured I could just jump, but it appears that I was wrong…” her voice faded into incomprehensible mumble.

Sebastian, who was glancing down towards her shrinking figure, resisted the urge to hug her right there and right now. He wanted to feel that warmth again. His head argued that the desire came simply because it was getting cold outside. It was autumn, after all.

“We’re fine,” he said, as calm and as nonchalant as he could. “Thanks for checking on us, Penny.”

Penny nodded and returned to her usual reading session with the kids.

Sebastian enjoyed the sight of Hope’s blushing and groaning a bit more, before he leaned down to take the very book that both Hope and him wanted to acquired. He held it in his hand and blushed in the same fashion as Hope.

The book title was  _Marriage Guide for Farmers._

Hope—the wishful thinking one, not the woman who stood beside him—bloomed inside Sebastian as his brain tried to reason why Hope wanted to read such book. Could it be…? No, wait, he supposed she was nice with everyone. It was possible that Sebastian, being not only bachelor in Pelican Town, wasn’t the only person Hope had in mind when it came to marriage, no matter how far in the future the union would be. Making decision to hang out more in town, rather than just the usual Fridays with Sam and Abigail, Sebastian looked at Hope to still find her blushing.

Her blushing intensified as she stared the book in Sebastian’s hand in horror.

“I…!” she spluttered, “I just… I heard it’s different… it didn’t mean… I hope it’s not weird!”

Sebastian heard someone was laughing before he realised it was _him_ who chuckled and giggled at Hope’s hopeless explanation.

She glared at him, but the scary face she put on was dimmed by the fact that she was still flushing feverishly. When Hope started to try to reach for the book in Sebastian’s hand, he easily raised his hand, securing _Marriage Guide for Farmers_ from her grasp. Hope gasped, dramatically, and then did another attempt to jump, reaching for the book, and half-climbed him in the process.

They ended up staring at each other’s eyes and tried to suppress their tittering fit, for they were indeed in the library. Sebastian returned the book to the shelf and the two existed the library, laughing out loud, shoulders shaking and stomach aching, the moment they stepped outside.

When their laughter dissipated, Hope half-heartedly grumbled, “Oh no, now I’ll never know what sort of tradition Pelican Town has on marriage, Sebastian.” Her Sebastian-aimed grin was cheeky and Sebastian was giddy. This new side of Hope made him feel like he could swim the sea straight to Gotoro Empire.

“Worry not, my fair lady,” he replied, equally cheekily. “A local such as myself can indulge you with the information on the holy communion.”

She elbowed him and Sebastian laughed again. She was still blushing a bit. He knew he was blushing too.

They ended up walking back towards the mountain together, with Sebastian carrying her huge backpack instead of her, as he told her about the bouquet from Pierre’s and the existence of Mermaid’s Pendant.

Before he fell asleep the next day, at three in the morning after he finished probably the fastest programming session in his entire freelancing career, Sebastian knew that he just had the best day of his life. And to think that he could still have better day with Hope around! He slept easily, dreamlessly, aside for a figure with a head full of hair, laughing as she shared her warmth with him.

***

Sebastian found Hope easier after that day, since he made more effort to go outside.

She was everywhere, busy with farming needs. He saw that she was giving people gifts of thing she cultivated, created, or found. Mayor Lewis, for example, was ecstatic by the harvest of hot chilli Hope brought him. So did his mother with her box full of spaghetti. He also saw how Hope was actually getting along with Demetrius and Maru better than he ever was. His half-sister liked all the strange batteries and electronic gadgets Hope somehow had, presumably from her past life in Zuzu City. While his step-father smiled at all the ‘specimen’ she brought her, usually from foraging.

Sebastian didn’t know yet what he felt about that.

He supposed, he’d cross that bridge when he got there.

***

Winter almost came when Hope found him on the garage.

There was already sharp, iron-like smell in the air, the one that made Sebastian’s nose felt a little pain, a sign that winter was approaching. He guessed that she just returned from another fishing session with Linus. How she managed to befriend the most estranged person in the valley and even had him fishing with her, while Robin was still wary about the wild man, was something Sebastian couldn’t figure it.

But Hope had the right to all secrets she’d like to have. Perhaps, it was just part of her charm; she saw people, only momentarily for what they looked outside, before seeking what was actually inside, making all the exterior melts and their soul be seen.

At that evening, when the autumn sunset arrived earlier and earlier as days passed, Sebastian heard her footsteps before actually seeing her, for he was under his motorcycle. He wondered how he managed to remember the sound of her walks as he slid outside the garage, watching her dwarfed by the long fishing pole and the usual huge backpack.

“Good evening, Sebastian,” she greeted him and walked closer.

If happiness had a moment for Sebastian, it was surely this very moment, when she looked at him, coming towards him.

“‘Evening,” he replied.

She looked at his large motorcycle. This was the first time she saw him with the vehicle.

He brushed his face from dirt as he explained, “Oh, right, I guess I haven’t showed this to you.” Sebastian stood closer to Hope, continuing, “Sometimes, after sundown, I make the long ride out of Stardew Valley…” He glanced at her. She was watching his motorcycle very intensely. “There’s nothing else like it; blazing along the empty stretch of road toward the faint city glow…” he sighed longingly. “I always thought that once I’ve saved up enough money, I’m going to head out on my own… to the city and beyond. Just me and my bike…” he watched Hope’s face again. He believed he saw a sadness flashed there. Sebastian felt like he could understand that small, almost unrecognisable flash of expression. An unspoken D _on’t leave me. I just found you._

He carefully stood even closer to her; both not to startle her and not to get poked in the eye by her fishing pole.

“Hey, maybe I’ll take you for a ride someday, Hope.”

She looked up at him, beaming. Her words flowed slowly, almost carefully, “I would love that very much, Sebastian.”

 _It’s a date_ , he said in his head, but too shy to say it out loud. Instead of saying it, he simply moved his weight from one foot to another.

“It’s a date, then,” Hope said, only a mere second later. She was still smiling at him.

Before Sebastian could process the situation further, she tiptoed a little and brushed his nose. Her wrist was tanned and had earthy smell, probably from all that farm work. It wasn’t the cleanest hands either, but there was something so beautiful about it; a farmer’s hands, hands that grow things and touch nature every day.

“You got dirt on your nose,” she said, chuckling.

Sebastian already wanted to kiss her and he was almost sure she felt the same. Was nose touching a sign for proceeding-for-kissing according to Zuzu City’s custom? He didn’t know.

Nevertheless, he wasn’t in any rush to know. They would have that date. Beside, Sebastian rather enjoyed this slow courting. There would be right time for everything, he thought, as he wondered when did he ever acquired patience for things. His whole life was about saving enough money to leave this valley for town and beyond.

But Hope had made him learn that, maybe, even the city wouldn’t fill the gap, the longing inside him. He decided to take another glimpse to himself, to Sebastian the loner. He went out more often now. He laughed more too. He spoke more and he slept better. He quite liked this Sebastian, he decided, before feeling the first wave of ease he never felt in years of his life on the valley.

Both Hope and him was still staring at his bike, as the sunset golden light bathed its figure.

Sebastian was sure he wasn’t exaggerating when he thought that he had the most beautiful motorcycle in the world.


	8. Of the Six Hearts

“Please wake up,” pleaded a little feminine voice to Sebastian.

She sounded a little like Jas, who was pretty much the only little girl Sebastian knew in the valley. Begrudgingly peeling his eyes open, he wondered why Jas would ever be allowed inside his bedroom at such early hour. (Though, maybe, it wasn’t that early. Maybe, it was already twelve in the afternoon, a time when normal people was awake, and Jas somehow had a reason to be in his basement of a bedroom.)

Sebastian opened his eyes not to his dim, greyish basement. Instead, he was in the very bed he fell asleep when he visited Hope for the first time, the large rustic bed. The sunlight from opened window was almost blinding. Sebastian rose quickly. He had no recollection of visiting the farm.

“Hey,” the little voice was now tinged with giggle. “Now you finally wake up!”

Sebastian looked downward to see a girl, who was certainly not Jas, smiling up at him. She looked somewhat familiar. Her eyes were exactly like Hope’s. But her eyes weren’t the only thing familiar to Sebastian. Who was she? What did she want with him? How did he came here, to the farmhouse, without him remembering?

“Did he wake up?” Hope appeared by the bedroom door, smiling in the exact same manner as the little girl; unguarded and warm.

Her hair was longer than the last time Sebastian saw her, but most of the surprise came from the fact that her fringe no longer fall around her face like thick curtain. Sebastian could see her clearly, beaming and fresh-faced. There was something so heartwarming about that sight. It made him tingle all over.

“Good job, Sweetheart,” she walked inside the room, carefully leaning down to kiss the little girl’s forehead, as she balanced a white large mug of coffee on one hand. She eventually reached Sebastian, sat by the bed, and handed him the steaming hot coffee. Too dumbfounded by happiness, Sebastian could only stare as Hope casually leaned in, also giving him forehead kiss, and smiling even wider at him. “And good morning to you, Sleepyhead.”

Sebastian gaped. Underneath Hope’s cooking apron and what seemed to be pyjama was a little chain. A certain blueish pendant dangled there, right in front of Sebastian’s face.

He gasped, then woke up.

It was a dream.

It was _unfortunately_ just a dream.

Upon descending upstairs, it appeared that Sebastian was flushing so feverishly, to the point that Robin asked whether his son had temperature upon seeing him.

 

***

 

“Sebastian, are you sure I can join your gaming night with Sam?”

“I mean… you also know Sam, right?”

It was an evening in which Sebastian racked his brain to find better, more persuasive words to make Hope stay for a _Solarion Chronicles: The Game_ night.

He had seen Hope held a full conversation with Sam at the Stardrop Saloon, while also confirmed that both knew each other and didn’t mind spending another couple of hours together. The two talked as they walked back, up to mountain road. Hope brought some roasted sweet potatoes for gaming night snack, even though Sebastian said they wouldn’t need anything that fancy. Meanwhile, Sebastian just purchased another pack of cigarette from Pierre’s. They descended downstairs to the basement, to Sam smiling from ear to ear when he turned his head to look at them.

The seating session proceeded loudly, as Sam proclaimed that he shall worship Hope from now on for her blissful serving of sweet potato. Sam was busy with the sweet potato as Hope faced the game cards she’d be using for the night.

“Oh, look at this,” she sighed, slow and longing. Her fingers stroke the cards she held. “I used to play this a lot back in college, in the dorm and parties—those happy, playful times, before work then overtook my life. I’ve missed this.” She made a little smile.

Something warm swelled on Sebastian’s chest, for they now shared something else; something arguably more fun than their commonality of certain emptiness and, perhaps, darkness.

Sam didn’t say anything for a while. His gaze simply flicked from Sebastian, to Hope, to cards on his hands, then to the board at the centre of the table.

“Well!” he said, after neither Sebastian nor Hope spoke again. “Let’s begin, then.”

 

***

 

Sebastian didn’t remember any game session being that fun and intense. He was fully immersed in the story and the battle, until they finally defeated the evil lord at the end. A while after Sebatian's wizard finished their enemy, the three of them sat in comfortable silence, relishing on their conquest, not wanting to let the moment end just yet. Eventually, Hope excused herself after the gaming session was over, because she had to farm in the morning. Sebastian offered to walk her to the front door, but she said that Sebastian might benefit from spending more time with Sam. Sebastian walked her to his bedroom door, at very least, before returning to whistling Sam.

"I see something here. 'Smell it too. Is it romance I'm smelling on this dusty, dark basement?"

Sebastian clammed up, squinting his eyes at Sam, and pouting.

“Seb, you didn’t swear a _single time_ when Hope was around,” Sam gave Sebastian a crooked smirk.

All Sebastian managed to do was a mumble of, “Oh, do shut up, Samson.”

Sam took the hit without blinking. He was still smirking when he elbowed Sebastian, who scooted away with crinkled nose. Sam returned to his former position. His smirk turned into something softer, a small, warm smile.

“You and Abby are so similar,” Sam said.

Sebastian made noncommittal grunt as he stacked the game cards together. A sort of _What about it?_ noise. He couldn’t always follow Sam’s train of thought. Who could? But that what made his best friend who he was. In fact, after years of it, Sebastian started to find Sam’s spontaneity rather endearing.

“You both had this dark, edgy sense of fashion. You two also love gaming, rebelling against parents, and religiously maintaining your pale complexion,” Sam continued.

Sebastian looked at the very normal Sam, the Sam he knew, the Sam with sticking out blond hair and blue Joja jacket. It was easy for him to think that Sam didn’t pay much attention to things, so Sebastian was surprised that Sam could make such observation.

“Maybe, that’s why the two of you are close and can get along just fine,” Sam chuckled, raising both of his arms, then linking his forearms behind his head. “… But, I feel like you need someone more cheerful—someone who makes you pile some efforts to get close to, someone who makes you go out into the world and do something different. Because, otherwise, you’ll stay inside that…” Sam made gestures in the air, “… _Shell_ of yours, which is cool, really. I just feel, like, you weren’t really happy.”

Sebastian raised his head a bit, as he eyed Sam, “‘Were’?”

Sam smiled again, “‘Ain’t saying you’re super happy now, Bro. But you… _feel_ better. If I had to point something, you weren’t as aggressive as you were before, be it in talking, gaming, or just, y’know, _living_. I haven’t heard you complain about people not respecting your job, or your step-father, or your half-sister for a while now.

“You don’t swear a single time tonight and you didn’t even show any effort to keep your sentences clean. That’s how I know you’re actually comfortable with it,” Sam stared at him, maintaining his eye contact. His words then hung between the two men.

Sebastian was blinking, processing everything Sam said.

He was immensely surprised by Sam’s words. But, perhaps, he underestimated their friendship and its depth until now—until Sebastian learned how well Sam understood him, to the point that even Sam realised something Sebastian didn’t.

Sam’s amazing observation and explanation aside, Sebastian felt like things suddenly click. Something warm sat at the bottom of his stomach, before spreading throughout his body. Sebastian was indeed changing. The change was rather subtle, he thought. That was why he couldn’t really see it, but it was certainly there; sitting on top of his skin like a layer of warmth, on the same bedroom basement he had been dwelling for at least one and a half decade, and on the very air he breathed, which was now lighter, sweeter—easier to breathe in.

“Am I right or am I right?” Sam grinned cheekily across the table.

Sebastian returned that smug grin with a surrendered smile.

The silence settled in a bit, with neither Sam nor Sebastian saying anything. It simply sat there, content and meaningful, much like Hope’s existence herself.

“I think,” Sebastian started, slowly, choosing his words to his best friend carefully, “I don’t give you enough credit in our friendship.”

Sam made dramatic gawk, “You… you think I’m your friend? Oh Seb…”

Sebastian ended up had to wrestle himself out of Sam’s bear hug. As he groaned, about how all those Joja Mart’s cleaning and stacking work had made Sam a bit stronger than Sebastian’s room-dwelling body, Sam laughed out loud and Sebastian ended up chuckling continuously himself.

They ended the night with light topics, before Sam departed, because Jodi didn’t like it when her oldest son arrived too late at home. Sebastian was once again alone in his bedroom. It was a nice kind of solitude, he realised, for he didn’t feel that empty. He was full with new understanding with himself and reminded upon realisation that he was loved; that Sam cared about him, so did Abigail, so did his mother—so did Hope, who gave him her precious time.

He decided that, sometimes, the best gift he could receive was simply other people’s full presence when they were with him.

Afterwards, Sebastian slept, unfortunately, to sleep without dream of that farm life and a daughter with his hair colour and Hope’s eyes.

Could you miss a dream too much?

In the morning, Sebastian’s answer was a smile and a strange reassurance that he could still make that dreamy dream come true, with his own hands and his own strength—if he ever chose to.

And he already did.


	9. We All Have a Hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title is taken from Florence + The Machine's "Hunger".

 

_“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently?_

_And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, ‘_

_Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.’”_

― Lewis Carroll, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_

_& Through the Looking-Glass_

 

***

 

Winter came along the cold, bone-chilling winds as the year descended to its end. Sebastian basked in the coldness of his basement bedroom, smiling as he thought about how people prefer to stay inside on the month of his birthday. Pelican Town only had less than thirty inhabitants. Even that number was already too much for him on festivals- or just any normal day, when he had to face them every day. When winter came, everything was slowed down and muted. There was so little going on on the valley. Sebastian greeted to snowy landscape outside his house like one would greet an old, but rather quiet friend.

Sebastian did nip into the farm the first week of winter.

He was checking with how Hope and her farm were doing with the winter. He found her relaxing with a mug of hot chocolate by the porch, watching the snow-layered farm in front of the farmhouse. She wore a large dark blue coat upon her sweater, on top of her pyjama, and she still wrapped a beige, raggedy shawl around her shoulders. Sebastian teased her about how she was not very strong with cold and Hope replied with a chuckle and a, “Why do you think I have to sit with Mr Hot Chocolate here?”

Later that night, Sebastian found himself unable to fall asleep once again, simply because of the recurring thoughts of how he could be the one who warm Hope whenever she felt that the valley was too cold. Weren’t they suit each other so well, Hope and him?

(Sebastian could almost hear Sam saying smugly, ‘See? I _am_ right.’ He loathed Sam's snobby expression, but also adored the fact that his best friend valued Hope and thought they could be a 'thing'- for his lack of better word.)

But, Sebastian also remembered how he couldn’t help himself as he told Hope how Demetrius destroyed his snowman, but kept Maru’s. He usually hid his aggression and anger from public eye. Though, for some reason, he wanted tell Hope things, even the unpleasant parts of his life. Perhaps, because she was such a good listener. Perhaps, because he wanted her to listen, then to understand—so that perhaps she could love him the way he truly was, if it ever came to it.

Thinking he was going to have another night without proper sleep, Sebastian was pleasantly surprised to know that only a bit after midnight, he was already sleepy, warm, and maybe a bit drunk by remembering the way Hope snuggled up under those layers of clothing, because she was cold.

Sebastian imagined her warmth beside him, kicking himself with embarrassment from having such thought, but fell asleep rather effortlessly anyway.

 

***

 

Hope visited Robin a lot. Not only because she continuously needed upgrade and repair for her farm—the farmhouse was pretty old, after all—but also because Robin started to became some sort of mother figure for her. Robin always welcomed her, even if Hope just popped by for a chat.

(She did occasionally teased Hope about her relationship with Sebastian, to which Hope gave Robin a small smile and some vague nods. The only thing Hope really ever said about Sebastian was that he was nice and she enjoyed talking to him. Robin looked at Hope for a while, slowly smiled, and she said something about how it was nice for Sebastian to have more friend, especially the ones whose activities together didn’t always involve games, therefore only focused on fun and distraction all the time.)

Hope was also no stranger to both Maru and Demetrius. Following her habit of giving them gifts, both parent and daughter were now rather close to her.

It was another afternoon with Robin not present and Hope nipped in after she returned from the adventure’s guild. She greeted Demetrius instead, standing by the ‘experiment room’ door, not wanting to get it contaminated or anything. Demetrius showed his appreciation to her attitude and was trusting enough to ask Hope to retrieve a book on wild mushroom from his bedroom.

“Is it okay for me to just enter your bedroom?” Hope asked.

Demetrius smiled widely, “I know that Robin won’t mind.”

So she went there, then went straight to he pile of books on the nightstand by Demetrius’ side of bed. She accidentally knocked the books, for they were all big and rather heavy with their hardcover. There, under the wild mushroom book, was a book on how to be a stepfather. Hope held that book on her hands, seeing how the pages were marked and the edges were a bit curly. As if awaken from trance, she piled the books back, then left with the book Demetrius had asked her to bring.

She bid Demetrius goodbye not long after and went home in silence.

 

***

 

It was a snowy winter Thursday when Sebastian visited her once again, this time carrying all the plans for barn and coop expansions Robin had for Hope. Hope teased him a little on how Sebastian used Robin as excuse to see her. Sebastian blushed and stuttered, feeling silly that his pursuit for being with Hope was perhaps too keen. But she smiled at him and told him how she was happy that she got friend. They waited for dawn as Hope reheated the other canned pumpkin soup she got. She didn’t really enjoy it in general, but Sebastian quite liked it, so he happily volunteered to eat the rest of the canned soups whenever he visited.

Time flew so fast yet so slow when Sebastian was in that farmhouse. Hope was looking at the plans he brought and Sebastian lazily eat his canned pumpkin soup. Hope, however, did steal a look at him a couple of times, will biting her lower lip. Her eyebrows were creasing, so Sebastian asked whether there was something she wanted to say.

“Do you… mind if we talked about your step-father?” Hope asked, eyeing him carefully.

Sebastian sucked in a long breath. While he appreciated how Hope didn’t say Demetrius name, Sebastian also knew that if anyone else ever suggested this topic to him, he’d reject it with all his might. Upon seeing Hope’s clear eyes, with her face not hidden between those curtains of fringe, Sebastian exhaled and did the faintest nod. He wanted to change. He could change, helped by her existence beside him.

“What do you want to talk about on him?” Sebastian stared at his black boots, being very interested in the way that it had little dust marks all over it. “Well, we both know he doesn’t really like being my step-father…” Sebastian stopped. Something was boiling inside him. It was so easy to simply get angry at things Demetrius do. He didn’t really like to fall there.

(He also didn’t really want to have such ugly emotion around Hope.)

She waited until she was sure he didn’t have anything else to say, before opened her mouth and started to talk.

“I think he’s trying—in his own way. I’m not saying that he succeeded at all, considering you don’t feel like he’s a good father figurefor you. But, maybe, we’ll never know someone’s true feeling or story. In the end, it’s up to us what sort of person we’d like to become; the person who treats other as bad as other treat them or the person who treats other as good as they are.”

Hope’s words flow slowly and she stumbled sometimes. But she kept her eyes on Sebastian, who swallowed and lowered his gaze. Deep down, in his gut, he knew that the best option was always to be the better person. Despite the knowledge, he still felt lump on his throat whenever his step-father became a topic.

“I feel like he took Mum from me,” Sebastian muttered, his voice was almost a whisper.

“… And that’s fine,” Hope said, smiling. “You love your mother. Surely, you’d feel protective and territorial about Robin.”

Sebastian let the words sank into his brain. _It’s okay to feel those so-called ‘negative emotions’_ , he let the thought washed over him once again. Living wasn’t easy. Life was complex. But it was okay that life wasn’t easy and complex. That was just the way life was.

If Robin never marry Demetrius and had Maru with him, maybe Robin wouldn’t be happy like now. She really loved her Deme. They danced in the saloon every week on date night, they hang out together by the cliffoverlooking the river on the evening, and they danced on so many yearly events the Pelican Town had. Sebastian even thought about how Demetrius and Maru wouldn’t be happy either without Robin. He might be ‘sacrificed’—for the lack of better word—in the process, but there were three more people who were now happier and perhaps living fulfiller life. When Sebastian thought about it that way, his suffering didn’t feel so bad anymore.

And if Robin never made such decision, something might change along history… and Sebastian would never get here, to be with Hope, to talk, to feel content, to feel like he had found himself again.

Sebastian couldn’t say he had beautiful history of life. But, at that very moment, he knew that he wouldn’t change a single thing. He wouldn’t trade the life he had for the world.

Looking sideways to the woman who sat by him, Sebastian gazed at her figure and thought, _I really love to have you around._

Hope probably felt him looking, because then she turned her head and looked back at him. _I see you,_ her smile said. Sebastian smiled back. They scooted closer to each other. Hope reached out to ruffle-stroke his hair and Sebastian leaned his head down a little, knowing that her arms reach was limited, but also wanted to make the process easier for her. Sebastian let Hope’s fingers run through his hair, marvelling at how much he enjoyed this rather than disliking it.

The adults—older people than he was—in Pelican Town always made a case out of his ‘rather strange’ hairstyle. Robin sometimes reminded him to get a haircut, probably not realising that the long part of his hair was a deliberate choice instead of overgrown accident. That, along with other adults’ disapproval of his hairstyle, had made Sebastian felt very protective of his hair. He didn’t even let people like Sam and Abby to touch his hair, because he disliked it if people were too close—even if they were his best friend. Heck, he didn’t even let his mother come too close, because Sebastian always felt like she already had her perfect family, with Demetrius and Maru, and she would be too busy to understand and love him, and that was fine, even though it wasn’t fine, actually, but Sebastian decided that it was fine and it should be and it would always be; because, otherwise, he could no longer wake up knowing he was still longing for love he could never obtain anymore.

But the person who could listen and understand him had arrived, hadn’t it? That was what he thought and felt and felt happiness bloomed inside him each time Hope’s fingers grazed his scalp gently. If he were a cat, Sebastian thought, he would probably be purring now.

Then, they leaned to each other’s side, Sebastian’s right arm across Hope’s shoulders, Hope’s left arm around Sebastian’s back. The way they completed each other was like a click and they simply sat there, in peaceful silence.

 _This is enough_ , Sebastian glanced towards Hope. _This is enough and life is worthy_ , he decided, before closing his eyes and let himself sink on that very moment.

 

***

 

As winter months rolled in, Sebastian remembered vaguely that his birthday, by Winter 10th, was coming. As he got older, birthday had turned into unpleasant reminder that he was getting older, with little to no growth, nor achievement. But, right now, he felt rather okay with welcoming his birthday. He’d got presents from people. It was always nice to remember that people care about you enough that they got out of their way to get you something at least once a year.

Shyly, he wondered whether Hope knew about his birthday and would give him present as well. He already saw how she made an extra effort to bring people’s favourite thing on their birthday. Sebastian witnessed her giving large, pink cake in white box to Marnie, sometimes before Fall ended. Now that he thought about it, he had no idea where Hope learned everyone’s birthday, considering she was newcomer. Heck, even Sebastian himself, as a long member of Pelican Town community, was sure he didn’t remember everyone’s birthday.

He let himself wished that Hope knew his birthday.

He let himself wished that Hope would do something special for him on his birthday.

Sebastian couldn’t remember when was the last time he looked forward to his birthday. And, knowing Hope rather well and how close they were, he was almost sure something wonderful would happen.


End file.
